Part two
I recently published an article entitled Supporting Loved Ones Through Meltdowns. I realized afterward that I had (a lot) more to say on the matter, but felt it would make more sense to separate the content into two articles, as the first one was already quite long.
This is the follow-up to that piece. While there are a few points repeated here for emphasis, it is building and expanding on what I outlined previously.
When the plan isn’t working
You’re doing everything right. You’ve read all the books on your loved one’s condition or neurology, you’ve read all about emotional regulation. You’ve created a “chill zone” in your household, providing a safe space where anyone can calm down when feeling overwhelmed.
You’ve learned how to remain calm when they are expressing emotions or words which are hard to hear, or when their behaviour is hurtful.
You’re doing everything right and still you feel as though nothing’s working.
Most importantly, please understand this: You can do everything perfectly and still a person can have a meltdown.
This is especially true for disabled and neurodivergent people. Our brains are wired differently and every day we endure a world that was not designed for our ways of being, thinking, and feeling.
Every day we deal with micro-aggressions, ignorance, discrimination, lack of understanding, and lack of accommodation. We get weird, judgemental looks; we’re frequently criticized, corrected, ostracized, and rejected.
There are lots of amazing things about having a divergent brain. We have many strengths. We also face many difficulties simply because we’re different from the majority. Sometimes our brains and environment conspire against us and we behave in ways we later regret.
Every individual experience is different, but know this. If you love someone who experiences intense emotions and meltdowns, it’s not your fault, and it’s not their fault. It just is.
Sometimes shit happens.
When advice backfires
Some professional recommendations for supporting emotional regulation and co-regulation have gaps, or they simply don’t work for neurodivergent people.
Social-emotional learning (SEL) programs like the Zones of Regulation have some great starting points, but still leave a lot to be desired. This is especially true for neurodivergent kids.
One piece of advice these programs tend to offer is to “label” the feeling for the child, to help them expand their vocabulary around feelings, and to help improve their self-awareness.
Have you ever had anyone tell you, “you seem angry”?
How did that make you feel?
I can tell you from my own experience — in both my personal and professional life — being told I seem angry only serves to make me angrier. A lot of others respond similarly, and resent having someone tell them how they feel, especially when they are off base.
Actually, sometimes especially when they are correct, so… all the time, I guess?
Interoception
A lot of neurodivergent people struggle with something called interoception, which is how we receive and interpret the signals being sent from within our bodies.
Some people have poor interoception, meaning their signals have to be extremely obvious before they notice. For example, I don’t recognize I’m hungry until I’m irritable or feeling shaky, whereas those with a more effective sense of interoception will notice much sooner.
Some people have an incredibly sensitive sense of interoception, leading them to experience their body’s signals very intensely. This can lead to strong reactions to things others may barely notice, which can impact one’s ability to self-regulate.
Don’t tell me how I feel
Rather than telling someone how they feel, or even asking them how they feel — because they may not know, and trying to explain it may only cause further frustration and upset — we can simply offer our support.
“What can I do to help?”
Later when everyone is regulated and calm, there may be a conversation about different strategies we can use to regulate, and different words we can use to help describe our emotions and the physical manifestation of our feelings.
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