Dear parents,
You’re doing everything right. You’ve read all the books on parenting and emotional co-regulation. You’ve created a “chill zone” for your child, providing a safe space where they can calm down when they are feeling overwhelmed.
You’ve learned how to remain calm when your child is saying hurtful things, throwing or breaking objects, even when they become physically aggressive.
You’re doing everything right and still things are not getting any better.
Breathe.
Most importantly, please understand this: You can do everything perfectly and still your child can have a meltdown. Children’s brains are not fully mature yet, they struggle to manage big feelings — some will struggle with this more than others.
It will get better. It won’t get perfect, but it will get better.
You will learn what works and what doesn’t. Your parenting skills will continue to improve (as we are all learning and growing every moment). Your child’s brain will mature, they will develop new skills and learn new self-management strategies.
What do you do in the mean time, to keep yourself and your children safe, and to maintain your sanity?
If you haven’t yet done all of the things mentioned above, do those first.
If you have done all of these things, but need something more, I will break things down for you a little further, and fill in the gaps left by these strategies.
This information isn’t just for parents or caregivers, it’s for everyone. We all experience intense emotions and need support when we feel overwhelmed.
Weather the storm
Firstly, remember that our brains are incapable of accessing logic and reason when we’re highly dysregulated. This means there’s no point in trying to talk things out when people are upset, it will only lead to frustration.
This is the case for all humans, not just the small ones.
The key is not whether a person is literally safe in the moment, it’s whether their brain is telling them they are safe.
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