When You Realize You’re Neurodivergent
Advice for navigating the journey if you’re newly identified Autistic or ADHD
Clarification of terminology
Neurodiversity is a broad term which includes anyone whose neurology is outside of the statistical majority. Neurodiversity and neurodivergent are terms of inclusion, not exclusion.
This means the term Neurodivergent is not a euphemism for Autistic or “disordered”, as Jesse Meadows explained in their article “You’re using the word Neurodiversity wrong.”
The philosophy is one which rejects gatekeeping and promotes inclusion. Neurodivergent (ND) can refer to anyone with ADHD, autism, bipolar, depression, learning disabilities, tourettes, anxiety, mental illness, and personality disorders, among many others.
I often refer specifically to ADHD and Autism because those are my neurotypes, and I am knowledgeable about them. However this is never meant to exclude anyone else who identifies as ND.
Learn from ND adults
Whether you think you might be Neurodivergent, or you’ve just realized — been identified, self-diagnosed, or formally diagnosed — you’re ND, there is a wealth of information online. Some of it is awful and some of it is wonderful, as things on the Internet tend to go.
The best sources of information are ND adults who share their experiences and knowledge. As always, you’ll want to take everything with a teeny grain of salt at first, until you’re more adept at determining which is helpful and which is not.
The sheer quantity of information can be overwhelming in the beginning, but as you wade through it, you will gravitate to sources which fit well with your personal experiences and philosophies; you’ll become more skilled at narrowing down where you seek the answers to your questions.
My advice is to seek out sources which take an affirming view of neurodivergence, meaning they see natural variation in human brains as mostly a positive thing, which benefits human biodiversity.
ND-affirming doesn’t mean painting everything in a positive light. While we focus on the strengths of our uniqueness, we must also acknowledge the challenges which come along with being different.
That said, be very wary of anyone or anything which speaks of “curing”, training, or changing us. While we may need supports or accommodations, because we live in a society which is tailored to the needs and preferences of the neurotypical (NT) majority, that doesn’t mean anything is inherently wrong with us, it’s simply because we’re part of the neurominority*.
The more you know
It may take some time to digest this new information, but in the long run, the old cliché “knowledge is power” generally rings true. Personally I have found that improved self-knowledge and understanding have significantly improved my quality of life, and I’ve seen work by many fellow late-identified NDs expressing similar experiences.
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Community
Speaking of shared experiences, the absolute best part about finding my place in the world has been community. The ND community is, for the most part, incredibly supportive and accepting. I have found my neruokin*, people who understand how my brain works, and have shared similar experiences.
This holds true whether you have a formal diagnosis, or have self-identified after extensive searching and learning. The vast majority of the ND community acknowledges the barriers to formal diagnosis and accept self-diagnosis as completely valid.
Formal diagnoses also aren’t a panacea. They don’t solve all your problems, and while there are some major benefits, a diagnosis can actually create new problems too.
For example, if you’re quite certain you are Autistic, but are wondering if pursuing a formal diagnosis is worth the expense and bureaucratic nonsense, I highly recommend this article by Dr. Devon Price.
He outlines some very significant concerns which may arise, depending on factors such as your gender identity, martial status, employment, and whether you may wish to move to a different country in the future.
One day at a time
There are many layers and stages to discovering, processing, accepting, and embracing one’s neurodivergence. This will be different for everyone, but some things that have worked for me are:
Start with baby-steps, you don’t need to “come out” as ND to everyone all at once.
Start by connecting with people online, or talking about it with select close friends or family.
Gradually re-discover yourself through this new lens.
It’s okay if it feels awkward at first, it’s also okay if you feel like you’re trying to change yourself to fit this new identity. Imposter syndrome is very real, especially amongst those of us who are identified late in life.
A lot of that has to do with masking. We’ve grown up in a society which, while claiming to be “diverse and inclusive”, is actually far from it. We’re given the message, whether directly or indirectly, that being different is “weird”, that we should try to fit in.
Due to a long history of being corrected, rejected, and punished for being different, we’ve gradually moulded ourselves into something that general society finds more acceptable.
If this has been your experience, you have likely been socialized to perform neuronormativity* (a term coined by Dr. Nick Walker, in her book Neuroqueer Heresies).
A lifetime of pretending to be someone we’re not (often out of necessity and as an act of self-preservation) can leave us feeling completely lost, not knowing who we are. It can also make us vulnerable to imposter syndrome — if we don’t “look” or “act” neurodivergent, then how can we possibly be?
Unmasking
Those of us who have been masking and hiding our oddities to avoid bullying, teasing, and various hurtful behaviours from others, will likely need to undergo a process of unmasking.
To me, unmasking is a process of gradually ceasing the performance of neuronormativity, thus reclaiming one’s neurodivergent identity and personality.
This takes time and the journey will be different for everyone, depending on a myriad factors.
When you’re ready, one book which might help with that journey is Unmasking Autism by Devon Price (a writer I mentioned previously).
I also have an extensive list of recommended reads for learning more about Autism and ADHD. As I mentioned earlier, some of the best sources of information are ND adults who are sharing their knowledge and experiences, so books by Autistic and ADHD authors will likely be most helpful.
Coming out
Once you’ve learned to embrace your neurodivergence, you might begin to disclose this to trusted people. As you increase your knowledge and self-confidence, you may become more open and outspoken about your identity.
My next piece in this series will include ways to explain Autism and ADHD to friends, family, employers, and colleagues. In the mean time, I do have some resources for those newly identified outlined on my website, please check them out.
Stay tuned!
© Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB
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Strategies for Managing Executive Functioning Challenges for Adults
Neuro-terminology
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References
Mavir, Heidi. (2023). Your Child Is Not Broken: Parent Your Neurodivergent Child Without Losing Your Marbles. Authors & Co.
Price, D. (2022). Unmasking Autism: Discovering the new faces of neurodiversity. Penguin Random House LLC.
Walker, N. (2021). Neuroqueer Heresies: Notes on the neurodiversity paradigm, Autistic empowerment, and postnormal possibilities. Autonomous Press.