We Should Be Teaching Kids To Argue
(Yes, even with adults). Expressing differences of opinion is an important life skill.
Stop teaching compliance
Instead of teaching children to be “polite” and not argue with adults, we need to teach them how to do so in effective, respectful ways.
Some of most sought-after skills in the labour market are independent and critical thinking, communication, creativity, and problem-solving. Granted, our ability to contribute to capitalism shouldn’t be our only benchmark.
According to recent research, some of the most valued characteristics in a friend are honesty, being ethical, and being pleasant. Notice there’s nothing about being compliant, passive, or deferential. In fact, one of the most undesirable traits was dishonesty.
To me, being tractable and pliant can be forms of dishonesty. I’m certainly not trying to slight people who are genuinely easy-going, there’s nothing wrong with being good at picking your battles, this too can be a useful life skill.
I also recognize that people-pleasing and avoiding conflict can be trauma responses, and I do not want to diminish the significance of this. In some cases these are survival mechanisms, and definitely not the same as being disingenuous or simply easy-going.
Sometimes when people go along to get along, they begin to begrudge that they’re always giving in and letting others have their way. These others may not even realize this is happening, but if the person doesn’t speak up, it may become a growing resentment.
Anyway, where was I?
Oh yes.
“The more convenient a method of instruction is for the teacher, the less suitable it is for the pupils.” — Leo Tolstoy
Obedience breeds complacency
When a teacher has too many students in their class and not enough resources or support, they must resort to strict classroom management just to maintain order.
This means they expect their students to comply and follow directions quickly or face consequences. Behaviour management becomes more important than the actual process of learning by necessity.
“In the institution of school, the child’s culture and internal world hardly matter unless they interfere with the instructional process.” — Naomi Fisher
This isn’t a knock on teachers who really don’t have much choice given the lack of funding, support, and resources on offer.
The problem is the entire culture of public education. People say children need to learn how to follow a chain of command, to do as they are told even when they don’t want to.
Why? So they can be manageable in large groups and later become obedient adults who fall in line and contribute to capitalism.
No thank you.
Benefits of disagreement
When children are permitted, dare I say encouraged, to disagree with adults, they learn valuable skills and reap benefits from the process.
Learn how to disagree respectfully and stick to the facts.
Learn debate skills and how to avoid logical fallacies.
Strengthen their position by virtue of having to defend it.
Learn how to admit when they’re wrong or made a mistake.
Learn it’s okay to change their mind when the evidence leads them to a new perspective.
Gain confidence and an ability to defend themselves or what they believe in, even to those in positions of authority.
If you look online, you’ll see plenty of people (mostly adults) engaging in disrespectful discourse and using logical fallacies to defend their arguments.
We need these skills. Desperately.
We’re all hypocrites
Yes, I want my son to learn how and when to pick his battles (something we’re both still working on and I’m almost 40, so there you have it). I want my son to develop tact and be respectful of others.
Guess how he — and any child —will learn those skills?
By having influential adults role-model what that looks like, and through real-world practice.
Kids can’t practice and improve upon these skills unless and until we give them opportunities to do so with gentle guidance.
Instead of expecting children to be docile and compliant — and rewarding them when they are — foster their independent and critical thinking skills, encourage them to express themselves, and role-model what respectful disagreement looks like.
Practice makes progress.
© Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB
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Related Stories
Why I’m More Than Okay With My Son Calling Me Out
Demanding Unquestioning Obedience Is Dangerous
Compliance Makes Us Vulnerable
References
Apostolou, M., & Vetsa, P. (2022). Friendship Preferences: Examining Desirable and Undesirable Traits in a Friend. Evolutionary Psychological Science. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40806-022-00329-w
Fisher, N. (2021). Changing Our Minds: How children can take control of their own learning. Robinson.
Hill, M.A., Overton, T.L., Thompson, C.D., Kitson, R.A., Coppo, P. (2018). Undergraduate recognition of curriculum-related skill development and the skills employers are seeking. Chemistry Education Research and Practice 20, 68–84. https://doi.org/10.1039/C8RP00105G
Varga, E., Zoltán, S., Kinga, B., László, H. (2016). The Most Relevant Labour Market Competencies for Employers and their Assessment by Students. Practice and Theory in Systems of Education, 11(2). 10.1515/ptse-2016–0012