Tone policing is a form of classism
It’s even more insidious because it’s subvert, and sometimes (probably often) people use it without recognizing the motivations behind their own behaviour.
When someone engages in tone policing, it’s usually due to one of two reasons:
They don’t agree with your argument or statement, but don’t have an intellectual or factual rebuttal, so they focus instead on the “tone” of your communication; or
They’re not used to someone “like you” standing up to them, and are taken aback by your lack of expected deference.
This may or may not be conscious. It may be something so deeply ingrained they aren’t even aware that it’s contributing to their reaction.
And yes, when I say “like you”, I mean they (consciously or unconsciously) consider themselves of “higher class” and feel they are entitled to some level of deference from those beneath them.
Also, yes: this is a direct result of sexism, bigotry, ableism, racism, xenophobia, and all different flavours of classism.
A person telling another they don’t like their tone, or condescending to them by telling them to be “nice”, is a way of telling someone to know their place.
It reminds me of my mother saying to me, “how dare you speak to me like that?” One guess as to who taught me — albeit indirectly — a lot of the “disrespectful” things that came out of my mouth. (I’m 40 now, though, so I take full responsibility for my caustic attitude).
It’s one thing to set boundaries about how we will and will not be treated — keeping in mind that each person’s boundaries will be different. It’s quite another to dictate exactly how a person must word their message in order to be “granted permission” to communicate with you.
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