Have you ever had someone tell you that you were “being too sensitive” or “overreacting” to something?
How’d that work out for them? How did you feel about them after they said that?
If someone tells me that I’m overreacting it is highly likely that I will also “overreact” to being told that. So, y’know, probably don’t do that.
The Risks of Invalidation
If we invalidate children’s experiences, or encourage them to suppress their emotions by minimizing or punishing them, they will not learn healthy ways to manage those feelings.
We also invalidate other’s emotions when we attempt to logic them out of their feelings, or hurry them along to problem-solving and feeling better before they’ve had an opportunity to express and process their experience.
“Reason is probably not of much value when responding to your child’s emotional expressions. If they express sadness or fear and you try to reassure them or provide information to make the emotions go away, you are likely to make the emotions stronger.” — Hughes & Gurney-Smith
Worse, they may develop mistrust for their own experience if they are constantly told that their emotional response is “wrong”.
Although it can be very difficult to validate your child’s meltdown over being given the red cup because the blue cup is dirty, or being told to turn off the video games after having a two hour gaming marathon, it’s important that we take a deep breath before responding.
“These are responses that cause kids to feel (often accurately) that their concerns are being ignored, disregarded, dismissed, or diminished.”— Dr. Ross Greene
The emotions children experience are just as real and intense, regardless of whether we understand and agree with the reason for them.
Validation in Action
Recently my son was sitting at the kitchen table having finished his dinner, his dessert, his post-dessert snack, and his post-snack snack. (Side note: some ADHD meds can suppress appetite, so when they wear off children can become ravenous). Our son reads throughout all his meals — and pretty much everything he does. Eating is boring (thanks ADHD), so we must be entertained while eating.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, child reading, as usual. My husband was across the kitchen from our son, trying (unsuccessfully) to ask him to go upstairs and get ready for bed.
Darling child may have grunted in acknowledgement (he’s 8, by the way, not 14), but did not actually look up from his book and engage in conversation, nor get up from his seat to head upstairs. My husband began to get frustrated at being ignored in favour of a book. Sorry, dear— love ya, but reading is much more interesting than being told to go to bed.
The Power of Validating Feelings
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