The False Dichotomy in Parenting

According to the Internet, you’re either permissive or authoritarian; there’s nothing in between

Feb 04, 2024

Punishment just makes things worse

When I say punishment is ineffective (because it is), I don’t mean we should be permissive. Lack of punishment does not equate lack of developmentally-appropriate boundaries, support, and guidance.

Some people act as though there are only two very distinct choices:

Choice A: Let your kids run wild, do whatever they want, with no boundaries whatsoever.
Choice B: Parent with an extreme authoritarian style and beat your kids when they step out of line.

We create a false dichotomy when we say, “well if it’s not A, then it has to be B” despite the fact that there are many other options available.

When I say punishment is ineffective, that doesn’t mean I sit on the couch eating bonbons while my child runs around doing whatever he wants and I don’t set any limits.

Some people act as though there are only two very distinct choices: Choice A: Let your kids run wild, do whatever they want, with no boundaries whatsoever; Choice B: Parent with an extreme authoritarian style and beat your kids when they step out of line — Created by author

What I am saying

What I am saying is that punishment does not provide support or guidance. It does not teach skills. It does not strengthen relationships. It does not role-model the behaviour we want to see in our children.

It’s hypocritical and counter-productive.

Boundaries:

Set with the child’s best interests in mind
Usually developed collaboratively, with the child’s input and perspective genuinely considered
Have some flexibility depending on circumstance and individual differences
Prioritize safety, respect, and relationship

Rules:

Often set with the needs of the adults or institution prioritized
Usually developed by the adults and communicated to the children without their input
Are rigid and supposed to be applied consistency in order to be “fair”, but rarely consider circumstance or individual differences
Prioritize convenience, authority, and compliance

Rules & punishment:

Focus on authority, “teaching a lesson”, and using punishment to discourage future ‘misbehaviour’ and/or rule-breaking
Are often applied across the board, regardless of individual needs or circumstance, in oder to be “fair”
Often assume malicious intent and focus on the surface behaviour, without seeking to understand the underlying cause

Boundaries & consequences:

Focus on meeting needs, providing guidance, teaching skills, and role-modelling
Attempt to give the benefit of the doubt and seek to understand the underlying issues
Are thoughtful and discussed with the child, taking their perspective and experience seriously
Prioritize safety, respect, and relationship

How will they learn that behaviour is not okay if there are no consequences? It wouldn’t be right to punish someone for something they didn’t understand was wrong. If they already know it’s wrong, they don’t need to be taught. They need support to resolve conflict more peacefully. — Created by author

“But how else will they learn?”

That question assumes children are learning what we think they’re learning when we punish them.

Spoiler alert: they’re not.

They learn by observing our actions.

Children learn from the examples set by important adults in their lives.

Allowing our children developmentally-appropriate choices is neither reckless nor permissive.

How can we expect children to be kind if we do not first role-model kindness? How can we justify punishing unkind behaviour with more unkind behaviour?

We can’t.

Punishing Kids Is Hypocritical And Counterproductive

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Punishing Unwanted Behaviour Just Makes it Worse