What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is defined as: the act of manipulating another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.
Bullying is not the fault of the victim
Seems obvious, right? I think most people would agree with this statement if asked. Yet, being humans, what we say and what we do don’t always line up.
I work as an advocate for children — any children who need it, really, but I primarily support neurodivergent children. My son and I are both neurodivergent as well, and I have a background in social work and psychology.
Unfortunately, disabled children are the most frequent victims of bullying. Whereas approximately 25% of non-disabled and neurotypical youth experience bullying, children with disabilities are twice as likely to be victimized.
It’s estimated that 60% of Autistic children and 40% of children with ADHD experience bullying in school.
These are likely under-estimates, given the number of children who are either undiagnosed, and/or who don't report bullying.
Why do I feel the need to state the obvious: that it’s not their fault? Although people would be quick to agree with me, their actions say otherwise.
Social skills training
When ADHD and Autistic children are struggling socially at school, one of the first suggestions tends to be social skills clubs or groups, despite the fact there is very little evidence that these are effective.
In order to be effective, they must be implemented in the moment, with gentle guidance and role-modelling provided by caring adults during social interactions. Social skills taught in a clinic or an office do not generalize well to real-life scenarios.
Why are we singling out the victims of bullying for social skills deficits? Aren’t the bullies the ones who need help with social skills?
(Spoiler alert: yes).
I’m not saying that, when done well, Autistic and ADHD children wouldn’t benefit from social skills support — so would a lot of other children (and adults, for that matter).
What I am saying is we’re putting the onus on them to change in order to avoid being bullied, rather than protecting them from the bullies and helping the bullying perpetrator build their social skills as well.
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