Stop Calling Children "Defiant"
Just. Stop. It’s a harmful, inaccurate label that often stigmatizes developmentally and situationally appropriate behaviour.
“Morality is doing what is right regardless of what you are told. Obedience is doing what is told regardless of what is right.” — H.L. Mencken
I’m oppositional. If you tell me to do something, I will likely do the exact opposite, just because I can. And if you tell me I can’t do something, I will do everything in my power to prove you wrong.
I’m stubborn AF.
This can be both a blessing and a curse, I am driven and passionate, but as a child it was mostly a curse. I was labelled “defiant” and told I had an “attitude problem” — yeah, so what?
Except I wasn’t and I didn’t. Or, I did, but that wasn’t the whole picture.
What I actually had was trauma, anxiety, academic boredom, poor social skills, and undiagnosed ADHD.
I was bullied while teachers and other adults stood idly by, then those very same teachers turned around and lectured me about my attitude, knowing full well they had done absolutely nothing to intervene.
Why would any child trust an adult who allows children to be mistreated under their supervision? Why do some adults expect unquestioning obedience from children to whom they are either essentially strangers, or worse, a malevolent authority figure?
In any relationship it takes effort to establish rapport and build trust, especially in those with a power imbalance, such as that in any adult-child relationship.
Ending the Cycle
Fast forward a couple of decades, and my son was being met with the same ill-informed, child-blaming labels.
He was so bored. Despite his school having a full, in-depth psycho-educational assessment completed by their own school psychologist, they had not provided him with any academic acceleration.
He was anxious. He was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety at age 6. He had difficulty self-regulating, was painfully aware of his differences, and incredibly self-conscious about them.
When the frustration, boredom, and anxiety led to acting out, the school was quick to blame and shame him, and henceforth all behaviour was viewed through a lens of him being a “difficult and defiant” child.
He is incredibly smart, observant, and intuitive: he can read your micro-expressions like a book. When the adults were looking down at him with their negative assumptions, he knew exactly what was going on, he just didn’t have the words to express it.
I mean, who assumes that a 6 year old little boy is vindictive, manipulative, and violent? Apparently some school administrators and teachers do. Anyone who understands child development knows how ridiculous that is.
In fact, just giving a kid the benefit of the doubt that they’re doing the best they can with the skills they have at that time goes a very long way. You don’t need training in child development to show some compassion.
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Also known as stressed out kid lacking coping skills.
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