Most Social Norms Are Arbitrary
Social expectations and making room for people to just be themselves
Differing social and sensory needs
I just spent the long weekend with my husband’s family. The whole family. There were 18 people altogether, across three different cottages — aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, parents, and grandparents.
It was wonderful.
I am exhausted.
There were times when the adults were adulting (sitting around, chatting) and I was by myself a few metres away, reading a book.
I used to force myself to join those interactions because I felt it was a social obligation, concerned I would appear rude if I didn’t. I would end up feeling anxious both during and afterward, worried I’d say (or had said) the wrong things or my comments would be taken the wrong way.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years, and we’ve done this traditional long-weekend cottage gathering for nearly all of them. I really enjoy time with my husband’s family, they are very nice people, and fun to hang out with.
18 people is a lot.
There were 10 adults and eight children all running around, swimming, playing, doing cottage-y things. It was a lot of fun accompanied by a lot of noise and activity.
I used to push myself to do all of the obligatory adulting and would end up burnt out and irritable.
Now that I understand myself better, I am also much better equipped to advocate for my own needs, and to be honest about who I am and what I enjoy.
My in-laws understand and know me well enough to know that if I go off to read on my own, it’s because that’s what I want and need at that time, not because I don’t enjoy their company.
Earlier in the summer we were camping with a friend whose husband is even more introverted than I am. Instead of joining us around the campfire in the evenings to have beers and chat, he would go into the kitchen tent and spend time on his phone.
Some might consider this antisocial, even “rude” — luckily we know better. Camping with two families on joined sites means very little alone time or privacy, and a lot of sensory stimulation.
My friend said to us, “I’m so glad you understand, so I don’t feel I need to make excuses for him.”
It’s unfortunate she often feels the need to explain her husband’s behaviour to friends and family, lest they think he’s being rude or doesn’t want to spend time with them.
“I’m so glad you understand, so I don’t feel I need to make excuses for him.”
Perhaps the issue is people taking the behaviour of others personally, rather than considering that everybody’s social and sensory needs are different.
Arbitrary Assumptions
Somewhere along the line, people have invented arbitrary ideas about what constitutes polite behaviour, and it seems people largely accept these as standards by which to live (and judge others) without much critical thought.
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