Neurodivergent Masking Doesn’t Even Work
Long-term repercussions notwithstanding, it’s not even effective
Wait, wait! I’m not talking about medical masks or anything virus-related. I’m referring here to personality masking, or camouflaging.
ADHD and Autistic Masking
If you’re on Neurodivergent TikTok, you may have seen some videos where a person (tongue-in-cheek) claims they’re so good at masking, no one would ever suspect they’re Autistic.
Cue “Belle” from Beauty and the Beast:
“Look there she goes, the girl is so peculiar
I wonder if she’s feeling well…”
With these poignant lyrics in the background, the person proceeds to demonstrate the various ways their Autistic traits are a lot more obvious than they had previously believed.
It’s a good joke. A great joke, even. The best jokes often have a ring of truth, and this one is no exception.
What is masking, really?
I’ve written articles about masking which included the more formal (or psychological) definitions, but what is masking in reality? I expect that will be different for each person.
For me, it went a little something like this:
Not fitting in, realizing I’m different, but not knowing why.
Not knowing how to fit in, thus vacillating between being ostracized and being viciously bullied.
Attempting to present a different version of myself, trying to give people what I think they want from me.
People seeing right through my façade, followed by even more bullying.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Inauthenticity is off-putting
The thing is, people can usually tell when we’re not being our genuine selves. They may not be able to pinpoint exactly what seems “off”, but a lot of people will feel their spidey-senses tingling when someone is not being real with them.
Well, the same thing happens when we are our real selves and we are different, so what now?
If you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t — yet masking takes a significant emotional and psychological toll — then fuck it.
I recognize that is a very privileged thing for me to say, and I’m being flippant for effect. It wasn’t always safe for me to unmask, and it isn’t safe for everyone, nor in every situation.
When it is safe, however, let us sing the song of our people.
Hide and seek anyone?
When I was growing up, I would avoid the “weird” kids (even though I was one of them). I didn’t want to be one of them, didn’t want to be associated with them. I still believed if I just worked hard enough, I could pass for a ‘normie’.
I couldn’t.
Adults often perpetuate this desire to fit in, coaching kids to behave in ways that appear more neurotypical (NT) — whether consciously or unconsciously — thus passing on ableist beliefs about how people should act.
Sometimes it’s taken to next level harm. Many Autistic children are subjected to social skills training and behaviour therapies, to try to teach them to mask, under the guise of teaching important “life skills”.
It’s a little like those toddlers who are adorably terrible at hide-and-seek. We may temporarily cover some aspects of ourselves, but you better believe other parts are showing.
Except less adorable and more exhausting.
It’s similar to what I did when I was a kid. We start out as somewhat weird, attempt to mask, and then become super-awkward-weird — often losing our unique qualities, coping strategies, and sense of self along the way.
Community and connections
Now for the good part.
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