Accountability or comeuppance?
Punishment, retribution, and adult-imposed consequences are all forms of wielding our power over someone with less power. They do nothing to teach skills, make amends, or repair relationships.
When someone messes up, no matter how minor, there always seem to be those who are out for blood. They want retribution.
They think we liberal snowflakes are too “soft” and live in a fantasy land where being kind to people teaches them to be kind to others.
Wait.
That second part is actually true, especially when it comes to children whose brains are rapidly developing, and whose experiences and interactions with important people in their lives lay the groundwork for future relationships.
Yet sometimes it’s children who receive the harshest responses. “Kids these days! They need a good whoppin’ to show ’em who’s in charge.”
Violence begets violence. Anger begets anger. The good news is that compassion and kindness really do propagate more of the same. Evidence has shown that role-modelling empathy, flexibility, and understanding helps others learn these skills.
“There need to be consequences, they need to know that behaviour is not okay!”
Hmm…
Well, either:
a) They already do know, in which case “teaching a lesson” isn’t necessary
or
b) They didn’t know, in which case, we’d be punishing them for lack of knowledge, rather than intentional ‘misbehaviour’.
“But what about teaching accountability?!”
Ah, well that’s something else entirely.
A matter of skill, not will
When someone’s behaviour is perceived as “inappropriate”, we need to take a step back and think.
When someone acts out in a hurtful, unkind, or inappropriate way, we can usually boil the cause down to one of two reasons:
1) Their behaviour was the due to a lack of knowledge or skills needed to do better under the particular circumstances.
or
2) Their behaviour was the result of dysregulation (i.e. stress, distress, anxiety, overwhelm, fear, impulsivity, etc.).
If it’s a lack of skills or knowledge, we need to offer support and provide the information or teach the skills needed.
If the cause is dysregulation, we know that people cannot learn while dysregulated, so the lecture will just have to wait. Before offering gentle guidance, we first need to provide support, comfort, and co-regulation.
Once people are regulated, then we can begin the collaborative problem-solving process to figure out what is causing the underlying dysregulation and develop possible solutions.
Prioritizing relationships
To me, the more important question is: Did their behaviour harm someone?
If so, we need to provide support to anyone affected. Then we need to help the individual see the impact of their behaviour, make amends, and repair any relationships hurt by their actions.
This is where accountability and learning can happen. In fact, the only way true change will happen is when people feel safe and cared for, even when we make mistakes.
“Co-regulation is always required for a sustainable and meaningful behaviour change.”
— Dr. Lori Desautels
People can only reflect on their behaviour when not backed into a corner with accusations, consequences, guilt-trips, or punishment.
When we aren’t made to feel defensive, blamed, or shamed, and are supported through co-regulation, then we can engage in honest introspection. Only then can we take responsibility for the impact of our actions.
This allows us to feel accepted and cared for, even though we messed up, and gives us an opportunity to restore and repair relationships.
What really grinds their gears?
Why do people get so uppity when we refuse to spank our children, or because we actually treat them like human beings with minds of their own?
Some of the things people get worked up about are ridiculous. When did it become okay for grown-ups to willfully engage in power struggles with children one third their size and neurological development?
What example are we setting when we are inflexible, argumentative, coercive, and pushy?
Story time
I’ll leave you with a real-life anecdote to illustrate my point.
Once upon a time there was a child named Joey… Joey-Joe-Joe… Shabadoo. I’ll call them ‘J’ for short. When J would act up, they would get what the kids-these-days-crowd would call ‘put in their place’.
One day J’s younger sibling was not cooperating and J gave their little sister a smack, causing her to cry very loudly. Their mother came storming into the room, demanding to know what J had done.
The little sister told their mother what happened. When asked why she had slapped her little sister, J replied, “she was talking back to me.”
For some parents, this might have been a holy shit moment, one wherein you realize you’ve been teaching your child the wrong lessons. It might be a real awakening to see the abusive behaviour being passed down to the next generation.
Sadly, it was not to be.
In fact, their mother’s response to J slapping her sibling in the face? You might have guessed it: J’s mother smacked them across the face as hard as she could, and yelled, “you’re not the mother!”
Well, that makes a lot of fucking sense, doesn’t it?
“It’s wrong to hit! …Unless you’re in a position of authority over someone smaller and younger who is unable to defend themselves. Then it’s A-okay.”
Yep, that’ll show ’em.
© Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB
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Related Articles
Our Obsession With Punishment & Retribution
“Misbehaviour” is Really Stress Behaviour
Your Kids Are Not Being Assholes On Purpose
Punishing Kids Is Hypocritical And Counterproductive
References
Desautels, L. (2023). Intentional Neuroplasticity: Moving our nervous systems and educational system toward post-traumatic growth. Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing.