How to Neither Win Friends Nor Influence People
Followed by: Navigating friendships as a neurodivergent kid in a neurotypical world
Before I offer my advice for making friends as neurodivergent folk in a neurotypical-centric (aka “neuronormative”) world, I would like to spare you and your children from making the same mistakes I did.
I shall begin with my advice for how to neither make friends nor influence people — a roadmap to failure in two easy steps!
Step One: Try to be someone you’re not.
This was me for so much of my life.
In elementary school, I just wanted to “fit in” and be one of the popular crowd. Given the popular crowd were so unkind to outsiders, I have no idea why I wanted so badly to be part of their clique, but I did.
I tried to mold myself into what I thought they wanted in a friend, but didn’t quite succeed, resulting in more mocking and ostracization.
In high school I was a jock, a nerd, and a rebel all rolled into one. I was on almost every sports team, I did well in school despite rarely attending classes, but I hung out with the “alternative” crowd. I had accepted my fate as an outsider, but still didn’t have a strong sense of self, so I continued to pretend in order to blend in.
It wasn’t until College and University that I even began to find myself and feel less of a need to put on a persona. I was never a good actor anyway, so my performances always fell flat, and people saw right through the pretence.
Step Two: Set zero boundaries
Along the lines of needing to be accepted, as well as needing to feel useful in order to be liked, I had no sense of healthy boundaries.
I would bend over backwards for my friends, with no regard for my own needs, and then feel hurt when they didn’t respond in kind.
When we don’t have respect for ourselves, it’s difficult for others to respect us. If we don’t set healthy boundaries, our friends can’t know where they are, and we put ourselves at risk for others taking advantage of us.
Kids: Don’t try this at home.
I hope by sharing these experiences I can help others avoid some of the mistakes I made.
“Be yourself, everyone else is taken.”
— Oscar Wilde
Many neurodivergent children struggle with friendships, just like I did.
In some ways I was at a disadvantage because I was not identified until my late thirties, so I had no idea why I was different, I just knew making friends was hard for me. With no other reason to point to, I assumed there was something inherently wrong with me.
The good news is, if you’re reading this, you likely already know (or strongly suspect) your child is neurodivergent. You are also interested in supporting your child in a way that celebrates their uniqueness and safeguards their self-esteem, giving your child a major head-start in this process.
Tales of caution aside, let’s turn our focus now to how we can support our children in developing and maintaining healthy friendships.
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