Knowledge is compassion
As parents of neurodiverse children, it’s our responsibility to understand what reasonable expectations might be for our children. Children with asynchronous development may need a little extra patience and guidance.
When we have a deeper understanding of the challenges they face on a moment-to-moment basis, this helps us show our kids more compassion and empathy, rather than becoming frustrated when we feel they aren’t “listening” to us.
Something I found difficult to wrap my head around when I began learning about ADHD and autism was executive functioning — I honestly wondered to myself, what on earth is that?
In all my years of College and University, never once had I encountered this terminology, and my degrees are in psychology! I’ve since written extensively about executive functions from a more academic standpoint.
One of the best ways we can empower our children to advocate for themselves is to teach them about their own neurology (at a developmentally-appropriate level), and help them identify and understand their own strengths and weaknesses.
I’ve broken down the executive functions into five key categories, and explained them in a relatable way, so that parents can help their children understand their own neurology a bit better.
Perhaps more importantly, I write from the child’s perspective, to help parents better understand and empathize with their children’s experiences.
Executive functions:
Inhibition
Inhibition is like self-control.
Sometimes I do or say things without really thinking, especially if I’m excited or mad. It can get me in trouble too, but I don’t mean to make anyone mad or upset.
When an adults ask me why I did something, I can’t explain because I really don’t know the answer. It makes me feel bad when I can’t give them an answer, and I figure it must be because there’s something wrong with me.
Impulsivity can make it hard for me to stop and think before doing something. Some things I do by accident are:
Talking out in class, forgetting to raise my hand and wait my turn.
Breaking something or hitting someone when I’m really mad.
When I’m really excited, sometimes I can’t hold back and I do something before I’m supposed to, or before it’s my turn.
Lying when I’m afraid I might get into trouble.
Hurting someone’s feelings or body by accident when doing something I thought would be funny, but ends up not being so funny after all. Then I feel bad.
Mental flexibility
Mental flexibility helps us adjust our thinking when the situation or environment around us changes.
This can be hard for neurodivergent kids!
When I’m doing something fun, it’s so hard to stop, especially when I have to do something boring or something I don’t like instead.
I get anxious or upset when plans change suddenly, especially when something I was looking forward to gets cancelled or postponed.
Even when I’m doing something that’s not super fun, it’s hard for my brain to switch over to something different — it’s like a car getting stuck in high gear, when you need to switch to a low gear!
I can get really focused on rules, sometimes my thinking can be very black-and-white. It’s hard for me to understand or accept when things don’t seem fair, and it makes me feel anxious when I don’t know what to expect.
Short-term memory
An important executive function is working memory, a specific type of short-term memory. Working memory helps me store things in my brain while I’m using that information to do something.
I can remember things from a long time ago pretty well, but when I’m doing school work I sometimes forget things I just read. It’s not because I don’t understand it either, it’s just that my brain can be slippery sometimes and memories can be so tricky to hold on to.
If I get instructions with a lot of steps, I can get distracted along the way and forget what I was supposed to do next. I can get so overwhelmed trying to remember all the steps that I completely lose track of what I’m doing, or sometimes I end up feeling like I can’t do anything at all.
Organization
I have a hard time keeping my room clean.
My binder is usually pretty messy with pages sticking out and in the wrong spots.
My desk is pretty messy too, I usually stuff things in when I’m in a hurry to get outside for recess (and don’t even ask about my locker!).
Sometimes I use something and leave it there without even realizing, I usually need reminders to go back and clean up.
Later, when I am looking for that same item, I usually won’t remember where I left it, and I get frustrated when I can’t find what I’m looking for.
I lose track of time easily and have trouble guessing how much time it will take me to do something.
Sometimes I think something will be a lot harder than it really is, and I avoid it for as long as possible. Then when I finally do it, I realize it wasn’t so tough after all!
Other times I think I can get something done quickly, but then it turns out it takes a lot longer than I expected, and I end up being late or making people wait for me when I didn’t mean to.
I have trouble planning things out, especially if it’s a big task with a lot of steps. I may need help breaking them down into manageable parts.
Sometimes I have trouble figuring out which task is most important to tackle first.
I find prioritizing difficult, and prefer to do the fun stuff first.
Emotions!
Emotion regulation is a very important executive dysfunction. Many neurodiverse people struggle with emotional dysregulation and intense feelings.
My feelings are usually pretty big, sometimes they’re huge.
My brain and body seem to experience things more deeply than others do.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed and my emotions feel totally out of control, and it can be really hard for me to calm down.
I need help learning how to identify when I’m starting to get upset, because I don’t always notice until I’m already really, really upset.
Then I need help finding ways to calm myself down. Sometimes I need an adult to help me work through my big feelings.
Personal responsibility versus neurodevelopment
When our children struggle with executive functioning due to neurodivergence, it’s important we educate ourselves on their unique neurotypes so we can better understand their experiences.
If a child has executive functioning difficulties (and if they’re neurodivergent, then they do — in one form or another), their neurological maturity will be behind their peers.
This chart above is simply an estimate and will not be representative of all neurodiverse children, nor of individual children in different skillsets. These numbers are based on research that estimates children with ADHD are approximately 30% behind their peers in the maturation of their prefrontal cortex (PFC).
The PFC plays a very important role in all of the executive functions, such as impulse control, planning, organization, working memory, and emotion regulation.
Asynchronous development
As noted in the developmental ages chart above, executive functioning and neurodevelopmental age have absolutely nothing to do with a person’s intelligence. In fact, twice exceptionality — a term to describe a person who is cognitively gifted and also disabled or neurodiverse — is characterized by asynchronous and variable development.
Asynchronous development describes how certain skillsets lag behind what is typical for the child’s age, while other areas of their development are significantly advanced for what is expected at their age.
Executive functioning and neurodevelopmental age have absolutely nothing to do with a person’s intelligence.
The reason for sharing the chart above is to give adults an understanding of what reasonable expectations might be for their child.
A lot of children receive consequences, or are considered to be disobedient, when they aren’t meeting expectations. However, it may be that they are developmentally unable to meet those expectations at that moment in time.
This doesn’t mean neurodiverse people don’t have personal responsibility, far from it, however it does mean that children with asynchronous development may need a little extra patience and guidance.
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