Have you ever…
Do you ever feel like you don’t know who you are? Like you’ve been observing people who seem socially successful, learning what works for them, and trying to mirror their behaviour in attempts to avoid continued negative social experiences?
That’s how I felt for throughout my teens and into young adulthood. It’s only really since I’ve learned more about myself, in particular my neurotype, that I’ve been able to begin unmasking; embracing who I am, and working to reveal my authentic self.
Mirroring and masking
One of my most popular pieces is I Was Masking For So Long, I Lost Myself. That story begins with the following quote:
“She doesn’t have her own personality, she just acts like whoever she’s with.”
An observant, but cruel bully said this about me, I think I was about 12 years old at the time.
As mean as this classmate was to me, this statement was spot on. Ironically, it was people like her who contributed to my attempts at blending in which she was now criticizing.
Who wouldn’t want to blend in with the crowd in an attempt to escape relentless bullying and try to fit in for a change?
In my earlier article, I went on to discuss my not-yet-diagnosed ADHD, and how I could tell there was something different about me, I just didn’t know what.
As that unkind classmate noted, I took on the interests — even the personalities — of those around me. If I saw someone was socially successful (i.e. popular), or if I really liked someone, I tried to be as much like them as possible.
I mean, why not? Clearly being myself was a liability at that time.
Little did I know, this is much more commonly a feature of Autistics than those with ADHD — although it’s not exclusive to any particular neurotype, it’s part of a larger picture.
Borderline personality disorder
Unfortunately, that unstable sense of identity was first misdiagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
What I didn’t know at the time — and apparently, what most clinicians didn’t know (and many still don’t) is there is a significant overlap between BPD and Autistic traits.
These traits are even more present across both groups when the person suffers from anxiety or PTSD, both of which are extremely common in Autistics.
Self-harm, suicide ideation, and suicide attempts are also more common in the Autistic population compared to allistics (non-Autistic people).
An estimated 5% of allistic adults and 13–17% of youth have engaged in self-injurious behaviour, whereas approximately 23–42% of Autistics engage in non-suicidal self-injury.
A 2018 systemic review found the prevalence of suicide attempts in Autistics was estimated to be 47%, and the rate of suicidal ideation was 72%. A small 2020 study also found similar rates, concluding the prevalence of suicidal ideation among Autistics is approximately 67%.
The prevalence rates in the general population are much lower. In Canada the statistics are as follows:
11.8% report thoughts of suicide in their lifetime
2.5% report thoughts of suicide in the past year
4.0% report having made suicide plans in their lifetime
3.1% report having made a suicide attempt in their lifetime
(*It’s important to note that rates of suicide attempts are also much higher in the Indigenous and transgender communities, as well as other marginalized and oppressed groups).
Many of the traits which aren’t listed in the overlap section of the Venn diagram may still be present in both Autistics and people with BPD.
For example, when we’re heavily masked, or trying to camouflage ourselves to fit in, it makes sense that we’d feel insecure and afraid of abandonment should our partners or friends discover our “true” selves.
“When you’re trapped under the mask, all love feels conditional.”
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— Dr. Devon Price (
Back to mirroring
Mirroring is when a person mimics the body language, verbal habits, or attitudes of someone else, either intentionally or unconsciously.
I have to admit, I did not realize mirroring was a form of fawning, which is one of four common trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
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